Winds of Change.NET: I Want a REAL Wargame!

May 27, 2004

I Want a REAL Wargame!

by Joe Katzman at May 27, 2004 2:46 AM

David Wong's memorable and hilarious "I Want a Real War Sim..." is a darkly funny video-game rant that captures the state of modern warfare better than 99.9% of the news publications out there (including this one). It comes complete with altered screenshots from Command And Conquer, Starcraft, et. al., and begins with:

1. ...where I spend two hours pushing across a map to destroy a "nuclear missile silo," only to find out after the fact that it was just a missile-themed orphanage.

I want little celebrities to show up on the scene and do interviews over video of charred teddy bears, decrying my unilateral attack. I want congressional hearings demanding answers to these atrocities.

2. On the very next level I want to lose half of my units because another "orphanage" turned out to be a NOD ambush site. I want another round of hearings asking why I didn't level that orphanage as soon as I saw it, including tearful testimony from a slain soldier's daughter who is now, ironically, an orphan.

It keeps getting better from there, bringing in CIA field agents, Starcraft monsters, Nude Zero-Gravity Futureball, ass-covering doublespeak - and of course, France - as it builds inexorably toward the Nicholsonesque rant at the end.

This one is destined to be a humour classic. Big Hat Tip to reader Larry Ice for recommending it.

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Tracked: May 27, 2004 3:37 PM

Nude Zero-Gravity Futureball from Caerdroia

Excerpt: This may be the most realistic wargame design request I've ever seen. I particularly like this bit: I want to have to choose between sending marines door-to-door to be killed in the streets or leveling the block from afar, Nuns and all, with 30 carrier...

Comments

#1 from Amos at 11:59 am on May 27, 2004

Whoohoo! The blogosphere noticed David Wong at last! The number of goddamn PWOT links I have posted to Tim Blair beggars description. FINALLY.

Now, you MUST READ HIS MOVIE REVIEWS. I command it.

Also try www.seanbaby.com

check out this one for example:
http://www.seanbaby.com/hostess/wonwom1.htm

#2 from Brian at 2:07 pm on May 27, 2004

That is very funny. All my co-workers were staring at me while I was cracking up in my cube. I especially liked the starcraft command bar at the congressional hearings.

#3 from twisterella at 3:06 pm on May 27, 2004

Joe-- What a great post!!!! I can't get my breath, and tears are still coming out of my eyes! Did you know humor is a powerful memetic transmitter and enforcer!!! :)

#4 from Joe Katzman at 5:05 pm on May 27, 2004

Twisterella,

So I'm told. In fact, I seem to remember some Islamic guys called the Sufis - they're without peer at combining religious teachings with genuinely funny humour. One of the reasons we feature their stuff every Saturday.

Agree that Wong's article deserves wider readership. Glad you liked it.

#5 from FH at 5:13 pm on May 27, 2004

Umm, Joe, it is Command and Conquer, not Command and Control. FYI.

#6 from Joe Katzman at 7:29 pm on May 27, 2004

Sorry, brain freeze. I've played Command and Conquer, just a bit slow this morning.

That's what you get for writing business materials and polishing up the queued blog post in between.

#7 from Chris K at 7:49 pm on May 27, 2004

Command and Control is, of course, a fun keyboard game.

#8 from Jim at 9:23 pm on May 27, 2004

LOL! #7 "Mission Objectives..." LOL!

#9 from lindenen at 12:11 am on May 28, 2004

They need to make this video game.

#10 from lyn at 6:40 am on May 28, 2004

what is funny about this game? would it be funny to the people who have lost children?

#11 from T. J. Madison at 2:35 pm on May 28, 2004

Of course not. Almost by definition, humor is when bad things happen to OTHER people.

#12 from Joe Katzman at 7:23 pm on May 28, 2004

There's a hilarious scene that hits T.J.'s exact point in Mel Brooks' "History of the World, Part I" - I won't spoil it, but the caveman comedian scene is dead accurate re: human nature.

Which brings us to another dimension of humour: the shock of recognition, even if that recognition is unflattering. Wong's piece is funny BECAUSE it has so many real-world parallels, and leads us to laugh at our expectations by placing the context in a "safe" place that lets us see the silliness.

The Sufis' "Mullah Nasruddin" stories have much the same purpose, and use the same techniques to equally impactful effect.

Of course, none of it works if one doesn't HAVE a sense of humour.